Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

The ‘golden summer of cheap flights’: Now’s the time for last-minute deals - CNN

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

What was Easter day like for you as a child?

And the sadness?

I was tired of fighting.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

World Boxing apologizes for naming Olympic champion Imane Khelif in sex test policy - NBC News

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

You are like me, then.

Why do a bra and panties have to match?

It’s here now, writing to you.

It’s still here.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Saquon Barkley unveiled as ‘Madden NFL 26’ cover star with famous backwards hurdle - New York Post

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Be who you already are.

Exposure sites announced after second measles case confirmed in Grand Traverse County - WPBN

I was tired of trying and failing.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

The sadness was still there.

Mountaineers Walk Off Kentucky in NCAA Opener - West Virginia University Athletics

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

I had run out of hope.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Kristopher Mohamed needs help to fund cancer fight - Trinidad and Tobago Newsday

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.